I'm getting insanely nervous about jumping to a new job. I don't want to be the dumb bitch who doesn't understand anything. And when it goes full time I am pretty sure I'll die of being constantly exhausted.

Looking back, losing someone close to me has been one of the best things that has happened to me in a long time. Their friendship is still one of the most influential friendships i've ever shared with anyone, but that doesn't mean my future is tied to them. They gave me what i was supposed to take from them and then they left. It's how life works. Some people stay and some people go. Thanks to them, I'm not the girl i was two months ago. I've realised sometimes i just need to take a step back and smile at life's finer things. I've realised that my family will be by my side through everything and some friends will be there for me more than others will. I understand now that I need to dream big while I am still young. I am stronger than i was before all of this and if things didn't end how they did, i would have never stopped to realise how much this one person actually taught me about life and if i never lost them, i would never have grown in the ways that i needed to.

I’m thinking that sometimes you just have to make the decision to be happy. Just realize that things aren’t ever what you hoped they’d be. Not ever. For anybody. The only thing that separates one kind of person from another is that there are some who stay angry about it and there are some who accept what comes their way.

Happiness.

It all became too much. As i laid in my bed, lacking hours of sleep, being kept awake by the bang, bang, banging sounds of my father getting ready for work. As i laid there, not entirely awake but still miles away from sleeping. I realised just how little i was in the world. I was one of millions, i still am. And strangely enough, it comforted me. It made me think just how many out there were like me. Struggling to find their place in this world. What i thought would be a long sleepless night filled with tears and tissues ended up being a sleepless night, realising just how comforted i was with the fact that surely I'm not the only one like this.
I had wasted too much time thinking i was such a failure. I cant anymore. We act like time is the only thing that goes on forever, but not me, time will continue without us even when we're food for worms. So i grabbed my things and went outside. I went outside and looked up at the stars just to put it all into perspective. The night was lifeless, cold and beautiful. I sat there thinking how much is going to change, looking up at the brightest stars, knowing exactly who was looking over me. I continued to look up with tears rolling down my face, knowing just how better things are destined to be. I've always been a happy person, but never understood what happy truly was. The night was lifeless, everyone was asleep. Except me, i was wide awake and smiling.

Last night was the first time i watched the whole of Donnie Darko. I'd been waiting over two years to watch it after a good friend of mine suggested it due to my obsession with the song, 'Mad World'. It definitely didn't disappoint. My wise english teacher once said that any film that doesn't lead you to think, is a waste of your time. This movie has done nothing but leave me wondering about so much in the past 24 hours. I'm yet to decide on what i will take away from the movie, but i know when i decide, it'll be something decent. "Every living creature on earth dies alone."

It's the end where i begin.

Welcome to my new blog, i don't even know where i'll be going with this. Enjoy! x